Some days it isn't easy. It feels like if I try to live as a man, I'm pretending to be someone I'm not, and if I try to live as a woman, I'm pretending to be something I'm not. Even if I go through the whole process, I'll always feel like I'm just pretending to be a woman, like I'm telling a sick lie if I don't tell people.
Probably the worst part is that my biggest dream is of being a mom, but I know I'd always feel like a fraud. My options are obviously limited, and I don't know that my child and I could ever have that instinctive and unrivalled love that a child and their birth mother could - I wouldn't have been there when they were born for those first precious moments. It wasn't my touch they felt, my face they saw, my voice they heard. And the thing is, when you're a biological parent, that's an unalterable fact, no matter how terrible you might be at it. For me, it would just be a choice, and I can't help feeling that there would be no way to truly convince them that I would be their mom no matter what, or that I could never change my mind about the choice I made.
I suppose in summary you could say that it's like trying to live an impossible dream, where even when it seems like you've achieved it, you know that it's just a lie.
