Made this today. Tell me what you all think about it.

With you on your knees right in front of me i unzip my pants taking out my hard thick member. It jumps out of it eager for pleasure as it was just an inch from your mouth."open up" i demanded as i pushed my tip against your lips. As soon as your mouth opens my head slips in. I let you lick around my cock. Coating it in your salvia. Letting you taste my raw juicy meat sausage. I see the hungry lust in your eyes."heh, seems you want you want to suck don't you?" i grab your head pulling off my cock."well then lets get to the real fun" just as said that i shoved it all in your mouth. Seeing how startled you look i gave you time to recover before i started thrusting hard. My cum filled balls slapping against your chin with each thrusts."you like that raw meat don't you, little sissy.. You enjoy having a real man's dick in your mouth. Go on. Suck it. Service me. Please me till i give you want you want." i began speeding up as i was talking dirty to you. I watched you slurping on my cock with hungry slutty eyes. Your member in full erection as you were enjoying servicing me in full submission. Moaning every time you had a chance to without gagging. "Such a naughty slut you are. You're enjoying being treated like a girl. I bet you wanna get dressed up in girl's clothes then get fucked from behind next. You wanna get cummed in your dick wanting boypussy." i see you nodding sucking harder and even bobbing your head back and forth.. Taking every inch like a champ as i was getting close."hehe you're gonna get it now. You're about to your reward for such a good service." i keep thrusting as the room was filled with slapping my balls making contact to your chin, the lewd slurping noises from you sucking my rock hard cock."here it comes" i let out a mainly grunt as i shot a hefty thick load down your throat.. From where i was standing i could hear you glupping down my warm white seed.

i think it needs more linebreaks

And more consistent capitalisation.

All your sentences are very short: while you can use that in places to achieve a certain pacing, if you use it throughout then the whole thing ends up seeming a bit jerky and disjointed.

Just so you know i did this in 16 minutes without doing all that crap. I just did this cause a friend i talk to was feeling horny. So i did this story quickly to help him out.so yeah, obviously capitalization would be needed.

problem is, if i try to read it when i'm sleepy it's kinda like this: i.imgur.com/F5AsJ1V.png

I wrote something, it was pretty late and I didn't proofread

Edited: pastebin.com/qHuPuFpc

Stories told in first person perspective are fine, but when you use second person pronouns (you, your, etc) it doesn't sound like a story. Those need to be replaced with third person pronouns and character names.