Send em' if you got em'. I'll start!
I ever tell you about the time I worked at a soda factory crushing cans? You wouldn't wanna hear about it.
It was...
Soda-Pressing.

Did you hear about the narcoleptic man who worked for the government? Turned out he was a sleeper agent.

The necrophiliac wizard never learned how to make the dead rise, but the dead sure did make him rise.

Did you hear about the lady that backed into an airplane propeller?

Dis-assed 'er.

10 + 10 and 11 + 11 have the same result. ten plus ten equals twenty, and elven plus eleven equals twenty *TOO*.

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well it's this really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it...

Come as cum.

Did you hear about those two cargo ships that collided? One carrying red paint, the other carrying purple paint?

The crews are now marooned.

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now hes gone.

If the killer from Psycho had a butler, what would he refer to his boss as?


Master Bates.

Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?

Because she's dead.

You're going to see dune number two?

What did fifty do when he got hungry?
58

why did the mermaid start wearing seashells? she grew out of her b-shells!

The bird flu?

Yeah, they tend to do that.